When I'm upset I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to do something to take my mind off things. Some people clean or workout or anything but be still. I just shut down though. I pace a lot and don't even notice and I like listening to good music (it doesn't have to fit my mood as long as its good). Writing this now also helps so much- makes me get everything straight in my head.
Saturday was my graduation party. On the surface it was almost perfect. A few of my friends didn't show up but that's okay, it was really fun.... but something else was happening at the same time.
Its weird how one moment, one conversation can change perceptions. Like being confused throughout an entire movie but then finding out some detail at the end and the whole thing makes sense. I like to watch those movies again knowing the ending. Bailey and me had a conversation like that. I feel so clueless. I'm trying to think back now to every conversation and time we were together, if she gave off any hints or acted any differently. Bailey is the strongest and toughest person I've ever known. I don't know if this has anything to do with me and her growing apart but it explains why her and Ashley are so close. She's probably known for months. In the future looking back on my Grad party this is all I'm going to think about. Bailey and douchebag broke up. I can't even type his name.
I've lost Bailey now for an entirely different reason. She won't let me be there for her. We were suppose to hang out today but she's too upset to answer the phone. This is so selfish but I really wish she would have just waited until after my graduation to tell me all this. Why did she tell me if I can't even talk to her! instead of being happy for graduation I'm sad because Bailey is sad.I hope she doesn't come to graduation. She would be just miserable.
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summer5_frog- May 21st, 19:40
sad
- Senior Feelings
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- summer5_frog
- May 18th, 15:55
Today I had a breakdown. Hopefully it will be my last breakdown about graduation (god knows I've had many). At about 1pm I went to the school calender on a whim and saw that today Seniors were suppose to get their cap and gowns at the school at 10-11am. It seems a little silly now but I started crying. I felt really overwhelmed, alone, stupid and that I didn't even deserve to walk.
I called Bailey but she didn't answer. On one hand I'm glad she didn't answer, I was a wreck. I would have said thing I didn't mean. Their was nothing she could have done anyway. On the other hand- isn't that what best friends are for? To listen to you when you're having a bad day? How many times have me and Victoria called each other up crying? Bailey and me have always known what bad things are goin' on and been there for each other. But now she has no idea and no time to deal with me struggling with my life right now. Its not her fault and I'm not mad. She's in collage and has a job. She's moved on with her life. Soon Bailey is going to be even harder to reach because she's moving to Texas in less than a month.
That's why I've cried myself to sleep a few times thinking about it. I've lost my best friend because of just life. This one time -I think it was sometime before winter break- Bailey asked me to go bowling with her and Ashley. I was pretty sick but I could have gotten over that and went if I actually wanted to go. I remember being really annoyed by Ashley and I just didn't feel like doing anything that night. I regret that so much now and since then -because of that maybe?- Bailey has spent way less time with me and hung out more with Ashley. I was a little jealous but I don't care anymore. I just wish I had gone out that time and maybe things would be somewhat different now.
Back in April I had a talk with Ashley where I said a lot of things I didn't mean and it was bad. I felt lousy that week and I apologized later so its okay now. One thing I told her though is that I didn't have anyone anymore. She said "You still have me" and I do some of the time. I didn't have her today though- she's still at school. No one is going through what I am. I have two senior friends (and that's stretching it) Ren and Amy. Their not where I'm at by a long shot. They know exactly what their doing. I'm truly alone in all this.
Well I called mom at work and she said to call the school. I did and I'll pick up my C&G on Monday. I'm feeling okay now.
- Not an Epiphany
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- summer5_frog
- May 2nd, 20:00
contemplative
I've spent a lot of time in high school -and almost all of this year- fretting over my future. What am I going to do after I graduate? I've come to hate that question now. I guess I always thought that one day I would have an epiphany and the answer would just know what I needed/wanted to do. Now it is seven days until my last day of school and I'm totally cool. I still haven't gotten that epiphany (probably never will) and I still don't know exactly what my career path is but I have little goals for myself that keeps me going and calm.
First of all I have to learn to drive. I know it sounds crazy that I'm 18 and without a license but that's where I'm at. Second I need to exercise. I want to be able to run a mile easily and lose a ton of weight. I just want to be really healthy. Then, Thirdly, I can see about joining the Air Force. I haven't told any of my ROTC friends about this huge goal because they would laugh at me. I'm like the most passive person they've ever met. I'm dead set on joining the military though. I want in so badly. It would give me endless opportunities. Fourth (should probably be second or third) I have to get a job. I have to get my license first though....
- Hoofnagle
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- summer5_frog
- April 28th, 16:59
rejuvenated
Tuesday (24th) and Wednesday (25th) were filled with emotions I couldn't explain. Well I could have said "its because I was on my period" but I don't like using that excuse often. Ever since I got back on school grounds I've felt sad and angry. I just wanted to go ballistic on someone and then curl up and cry. No one to be mad at though and no time to cry. Ashley kept talking about her birthday party and I'm going but I don't care about all the details. I was so annoyed and bored of the subject.
When I got home though everything was pretty fine. I found my favorite last name- Hoofnagle! It is a completely real last name and if I ever meet a man around my age with that name I'm marring him.
When I thought of Bailey though, I got overwhelmingly sad. I felt that she wasn't going to come to my graduation and that she's never going to have time for me anymore. I talked with her yesterday (she actually picked up the phone :-) and she said she would ask off work that day. It was nice talking to her. I didn't tell her about the party because she probably won't be able to come. Its okay as long as she's at my graduation- its really important to me that my best friend's there. I've always been there for Bailey when she wanted me but I've never been as busy as she is. I can't ask her to take off the 19th -grad party- because she's already going to 22nd -my graduation- and the 26th -Ashley's party-.
The rest of the week -Thursday (26th) & Friday (27th)- were fine. I had to catch up on a lot of math stuff. I'm still catching up. There was a test and I didn't understand half of it so Ms. Coate is going to let me finish on Monday.
Today I woke up at 8 but stayed in bed until 12. I took a shower and shaved and feel all nice and ready for the day. Taco Night!!
- Motivating Myself
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- summer5_frog
- April 23rd, 20:17
I would like to start writing everyday. If I don't then I'll never wright and nothing in my life will be recorded. I've explained this before that I need to remember my life I need things written down. In no particular order these are the things I need to wright about: Adventures Unlimited, Easter, Paint Rave, beach with Ashley, bay with Bailey and Gabbie, my meltdown, worrying about Caleb.... but maybe I won't ever wright about all of these things. I'll start now and wright everyday for as long as I can. My mom is even going to remind me to do it. I expressed how much it means to me and she started into a lecture about how she wants me to have that attitude about figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life.
I don't know is always my answer. I think I know the direction I'm going in though, its a start.
I love writing fiction and about my own life. I couldn't wright a fiction about someone in the real world though even if it had some supernatural in it. I can't handle reality. All my stories have been in my own alternate universe called Blazenta.
Writing about my life is easy though. Today I didn't go to school because, at first, Becca couldn't take me to school. Mom was going to take me but she was just going to check me out half-way into the day anyway so she didn't take me. I was going to take some weird test but mom couldn't figure out where it was or confirm it was today. Mom could have still taken me to school but I stayed to clean my room. Only a little cleaning was done though. Melissa came over and Mom and her made my graduation invitations. I love it! Melissa brought Tre over too and he has grown so much! 5 years old :) so cute too.
I've been obsessively watching Vampire Diaries. I'm on season 2 and can't get enough of it! I also called Victoria back and we talked for a while. Then I ate delicious Chicken Parmesan <3
- Origami
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- summer5_frog
- March 5th, 20:36
Last weekend (3rd & 4th) was a super lazy one. I got bored so I started doing origami. I bought some origami paper a while back and its really pretty. I've known how to make paper cranes for a while but now I'm starting to fold different animals. I've folded a butterfly, a jumping frog, a moving crane, a crane on a bookmark, a rabbit, a swan, an elephant, and just now I've finished a snail. I love folding origami and my parents are impressed by it.
- Things that didn't work out and things that did
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- summer5_frog
- March 1st, 21:16
Hello I missed you dear old friend journal, whom I've kept close for the past few years. Sorry I've sort of forgotten about you. I've been busy. That's the point right? I do things, forget about you, and then wright about it later. Then Way later on you tell me what I did in the past. Now I will tell you secrets, adventures, and just about myself.
I can't even remember the last time I wrote. That's sad considering all I've done this year. First I will tell about how I had a short-lived boyfriend. His name is Kahlil. I had a huge crush on him and it seemed like he liked me a lot too because we flirted often. Before winter break, end of last semester, ROTC helped the Prodicy Pantry (a nonprofit that helps the needy). That's when I really started to like him and he realized it too I found out later! This semester he is in B-flight with me. We never really got to talk in class though. I really wanted to ask him out in the hopes we would go to prom together. He finally asked me out (sort of) and on a Saturday (I think it was January 28th) we went out. It was an amazing date. Even though it didn't work out I still like that night. We went to see the movie One For The The Money (I had just finished the book). He payed for the ticket and popcorn. Afterwords we walked all the way around the mall holding hands and talking. It was really nice and the conversation didn't ever awkwardly stop. His mom didn't like that we walked around so he got in a bit of trouble- whatever. He didn't stop to say bye to my dad who was going to get us both milk shakes- he missed out. I still got a chocolate shake with Dad. Perfect night.
After that though everything went down hill. He stopped calling me, we broke up and then Ashley got involved. I knew she was already flirting with him before we broke up but I didn't think she would go any farther after we had dated. They went out without telling me. Then Ashley tried to give me a lame excuse still lying to me. I was pissed at her for a while and even still a little now. I can never trust her again but we're still friends now. Everything's pretty okay with us because she backed off and I don't hold grudges. I still sort of like him and we talk as friends but its whatever.
Starting with my 18th birthday I became SICK like terribly awful. It was a Wednesday and I felt dead. I had a bad fever and was coughing. I couldn't even begin to move. Mom and I thought it was strep throat but it wasn't. It was a problem because Victoria was coming down that weekend for Madi Gras and I didn't want to get her sick. She came down and I felt much better but still a little under the weather when she came on Friday. I actually went to school that day. That was one of the best weekends. I was in a Daphne parade Friday (17th) night- Victoria with my crazy Grany :P Saturday it rained so everyone had a lazy day. Sunday became Joe Cane Day! Of course we went to Mobile. We went to the first two parades (the ones the stupid parents take their children to) and it was fine. We just sat back and watched the floats go by, collecting a few beads. In between we walked around with Mom and Aunt Ranee. Then the fun really began when we met up with Ren at her trailer. We sat on her bed and watched movies.... and drank Vodka. Ren's mom made her a really good drink that even though me and Victoria helped her drink, it still got her a bit drunk, but she cleared up quick. Victoria made a drink with lemon juice and salt that I liked too. It got us both buzzed but nothing more. Ren's sister and her friend on the other hand were messed up!! They were high and drinking. It was hilarious to watch them at the time. I found out later that Ren's sis passed out in the middle of a road but had good friends around her so she didn't get hurt. crazy girl.
That night we spent the night at Ren's house while the rest of her family was still in Mobile. On the way back we witnessed a motorcycle accent that was scary. We watched a scary movie and crashed. I'm glad Mom had a great care-free night with Ren's mom's friends. Victoria had to go home the next morning but not before we went to the World Market :)
Since then everything's been about school. Nothing much left to say.
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- summer5_frog
- January 11th, 19:39
Monday the 9th was an important day. The day we had all been waiting anxiously for since they played each other the first time: LSU Vs Alabama #1 against #2 but this time was the Superbowl!! Some people thought sense LSU won the first time, the same would happen again and other people thought it would be an all-out war an amazing game! but surprisingly Alabama -my family's favorite team- Totally Won LSU nothing. It was an okay game and super happy 'Bama got the championship.
Tuesday that game was the only thing talked about. On another note my English teacher introduced me (figuratively) to one of my favorite spoken word poets- Taylor Mali. I love him. My other favorite being George Watsky of course! Then when I was walking home I blew out a perfectly beautiful dandelion. I'm not saying what my wish was.
Today all the returning cadets in ROTC wore their uniform. It just so happened to be the chilliest and most windy day. Wonderful. For dinner we had a Taco Night and I am now reading One for the Money, that I borrowed from Bailey. Tonight the family is going to watch Cowboys and Aliens.
My winter break started with hanging out with Bailey and Troy. It was a really fun night. We played H&GS in the park :) then we went to the peer and picked roses. Troy left and Bailey fell asleep on me at her house.
The rest of the break until Christmas was a series of lazy days.
- Being off-schedule and lazy
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- summer5_frog
- January 8th, 19:02
discontent
First week and I'm already wayy behind. I had huge cramps all week! I got through Tuesday but was dieing by the end of the day. Wednesday mom checked me out of school. Thursday it didn't get bad until about the middle of third block so when I went to the nurse it was too late to go home. So by Friday I had had enough and stayed home. It was also Friday night Bailey came over. I miss her so much because I never see her anymore! So she spent the night and had to leave at noon yesterday (Saturday).
Today was a major lazyday I watched One Piece and Glee, looked at Yaoi and ate delicious fried chicken. I feel like I should have been more productive today.
New Years: I babysat Emily, Ethan, Abby, and Jacob. It was pretty fun. They were wild and I had to raise my voice a few times but that tired them out so they went to sleep at a reasonable time. Abby, Jacob and me stayed up to watch the ball drop and then they crashed. I was awake till two in the morning watching live New Year's concerts. It was nice and I got $60 from the whole thing :)
Next time I'll wright about my winter break.
- New Semester
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- summer5_frog
- January 4th, 20:38
I feel really bad for not writing and not looking forward to catching up. I'm going to start with today and go backwards. Today: Second day of school of the new semester. Mom woke me up at 5:15 but I didn't get up til 6ish. Becca stopped at PaPaJohns and I ate half of Gabbie's egg & bacon sandwich yum! It was so so freezing cold outside! we even saw a frozen pond. The frozen grass crunched when we stepped on it and we could see our breath. That is the worst kind of weather and it seems like is hasn't been that cold since last winter.
First block everyone looked like dummies trying to fold a circle into twelve halves. I stayed in for break to finish my circle and talked to Ms Smith but I missed the bus to Daphne. I went to the library and I convinced myself that my stomach hurt. I love the nurse that called my mom and let me go home. If I would have stayed though Caleb wouldn't have accidentally seen some naughty stuff that I carelessly left on my computer when he came home. It was really awkward for a while. At first he wouldn't leave my room, just asked me 'why? what were you doing?' then he got freaked out and ran across the street. I calmed myself enough not to cry and went after him. I lied to him a bit and he said he wouldn't say anything to anyone. But he never forgets anything so I wish he hadn't seen that at all.
I had stew for dinner and watched: Phinious & Ferb, How I Met Your Mother (new fav show), Sherlock, Invader Zim, and The Crow. I don't want to read LOTR anymore. I will finish it someday because I like it a lot but its kind of boring.
Yesterday: The first day back to school. My final first day of high school. I woke up at 5:00 easily because I didn't really sleep that night at all. I had a lot of time in the morning and wore my hair straight to school. Even though I really didn't want to be there the day went by smoothly like I had wished it to that night on 11:11. During break Ren tried to convince me to go to prom and I told her if she got me a date or she wasn't going with anyone, I would go. If not- there is no reason to go and I really don't care about prom. Calil (if that's how you spell his name) flirted with me and I like him so much. Sargent glared at us though. Ms B is an awesome teacher. By the end of the day I had a huge real stomach ache. It was awful.
I'll wright about New Year's Eve tomorrow :)
